Comments on Seduction Central: Why is unavailability a turn-on?

I think its true, that unavailability is a turn-on...

2008-02-13T08:23:00.000-05:00

I think its true, that unavailability is a turn-on for man but not for woman.

why? because women have less options how to hunt:)

if a woman is chasing a man, she is dubbed as desperate, needy hysterics

if a man is chasing a woman, then he is in love, how romantic!

so a woman has to be on the receiving end and be passively manipulative, it seems to me....:)

get my point?

Cancers crave it too. In spades.

2008-01-18T17:11:00.000-05:00

Cancers crave it too. In spades.

Marriage, to me is not an illusion of security, bu...

2008-01-18T14:53:00.000-05:00

Marriage, to me is not an illusion of security, but an expression of love and devotion.

Of course, when we have a material turn of mind, it can seem so.

I believe 'security' is a Capricorn trait.

Hello, I don't think its truly a turn on, but it c...

2008-01-18T14:50:00.000-05:00

Hello, I don't think its truly a turn on, but it can be if we get used to it.
See you mentioned it's a Scorpio trait, so those with predominant scorpio planets or planets in houses will use these tactics. And then we get addicted to it, because, well, it works.

No other reason, than that we are all suckers for punishment. I can bet that power and control are what drives alot of relationships, and truth be told, the players enjoy it.

The point being:Yes, marriage might be a panacea c...

2007-12-26T04:25:00.000-05:00

The point being:

Yes, marriage might be a panacea creating an illusion of emotional security.

No, marriage is not a panacea creating an illusion of financial security.

Depending of course, on whom you marry. And depending of course, on the type of security you seek.

Is marriage just a panacea creating an illusion of...

2007-12-26T04:16:00.000-05:00

Is marriage just a panacea creating an illusion of security? Marriage may create an illusion of love but there's nothing more solid than a binding contract to wave in front of a divorce lawyer to grab a little security. I learned that the hard way. He laughed all the way to the bank. Usually it's the other way around.

Yes, Jeffrey raises a valid point. But, there are ...

2007-12-25T16:56:00.000-05:00

Yes, Jeffrey raises a valid point. But, there are different sorts of needing and I am just about fed-up with this uber-independent American culture. We like to think we can and should do every damn thing on our own. But this, to me, is an illness as well. Yes, a person shouldn't be 100% co-dependent on another person. BUT what in the h**l is family and the like for then? Why does a society exist then?

It's okay to need people. I think it's healthy in some cases. And when it comes to romantic love, saying "I cannot live without you" is not really literal coming from a relatively sane person. It just would sound so weird if they said "I could live without you, but it would suck so much, so I really cannot even think of it as an option." Maybe those of us with Virgo moons ;) would like something a little more articulate like this after all.

At the same time, don't we all dream of that love that will come into our life, rock our world and soul, and take our very breath away? That all-consuming, intense love is the only kind of situation I think is worth all the BS that a relationship brings along with it. Relationships are hard. If I am gonna put up with all that coordination, compromisation (made it up), and extra time outa my schedule, then I want the guy to rock my friggin' world!

Marriage, yes, Jeffrey is right about this too. But the problem with this is that since marriage is so common, saying "I love you so much I shouldn't have to marry you" is really what matters. But then there is that doubt of, "Then marriage really shouldn't make a difference, right? So let's do it." Now, suddenly, you have to do it to eliminate that subconscious doubt. Unless you and your significant other are serious philosophers and you have an extra long discussion about this and find some other way to both believe that what you've got actually knocks marriage outa the water (I can actually be that kinda gal, but I would need the extra-long discussion or I will bitch about it non-stop).

Love love love! What string is strong enough to hold that up? Certainly not doubt and ambiguity.

PSYCHO: "Don't go, Baby don't go, I NEED you bad,...

2007-12-25T07:02:00.000-05:00

PSYCHO: "Don't go, Baby don't go, I NEED you bad, won't let you go, you can't go Baby, I NEED you!"

PASSIONATE: "I NEED you bad Baby, and you better NEED me bad or just get on outta here!"

Let me make it clear
To you my dear

If you're not in it for love (baby)
If you're not willin'
To give it all you got
If you're not in it for life
If you're not in it for love
Let me make it clear
To you my dear
If you're not in it for love
I'M OUTTA HERE!

- Shania Twain

the difference between psycho and passionate is PS...

2007-12-24T23:25:00.000-05:00

the difference between psycho and passionate is PSYCHO LOCKS YOU IN while PASSIONATE THROWS YOU OUT (of the house)

Hi Jeffrey, most certainly. A cough might be a sy...

2007-12-24T23:16:00.000-05:00

Hi Jeffrey, most certainly. A cough might be a symptom of a cold... or you might have something stuck in your throat

And a signed mortgage contract might only be an illusion the bank holds a financial interest in your property.

Oh, the dangers of psychological reductionism...

Oh ya good call on the 4th house. the thought of h...

2007-12-24T12:55:00.000-05:00

Oh ya good call on the 4th house. the thought of having a real relationship and i start thinking of real estate.

yah its definitely to each their own. im personall...

2007-12-24T12:53:00.000-05:00

yah its definitely to each their own. im personally not attracted to overly emotionally available guys and whats more nor am i to men who are looking for someone who is very available (thank god, it would be a total clash of values, personality.) i guess this is for ppl like me who are more into air types, maybe fire tho it may be antagonistic, anyway not dealing with others' watery needs.

both preferences make sense to me though, to availability and unavailability. we heard the other side but in this case both biologically in animal kingdom a female should be more careful which male she picks for her genetic succes and dont pick just whoever is most needy of her. independence is even a highly valuable survival skill. also more on the human level egotistically it is a blow to think this guy just takes what he can get and sticks with it how boring. the lack of ambition or independence can be a turn off as well.

going all libra but a balance is the best answer. there comes a point even for those into it initially where complete independence or lack of committment feels immature and u could only be like, f it. actually this is apropos bc the boy i know that comes to mind that has this problem w/ playing games and not committing to anyone more than neone else ive met is 100% casa libra.

I am female, and yet I don't agree with the "woman...

2007-12-24T10:54:00.000-05:00

I am female, and yet I don't agree with the "woman's point of view". I do agree that there is a fine line between psycho and passionate "can't live without you" and that wanting to hear that does exude self-esteem issues. I might say that I "don't want to live without you" but to say "can't", well, think of the implications of that, and what you're telling your partner. IF you leave me, then you'll be responsible for my death. Is there a "passionate" way to say that you can't live without someone? Maybe we can drag Mercury into this, or maybe we can drag Freud? Pick one. Anyhow, I am female and I do find unavailability much more attractive than neediness. I love the thrill of the chase (Mars in Aries) and once domesticity sets in I do get bored and I seek out new and interesting things to do. As long as the sex is good, then I don't usually seek out other people, just other hobbies. If the sex is good and the person is good, then I'm happy in a relationship but I do find other outlets for my Mars - like sparring class. The minute a man tells me I can't go to sparring class, and that I need to stay home with him, he's out the door.

I may be playing devil's advocate here, but might ...

2007-12-23T20:45:00.000-05:00

I may be playing devil's advocate here, but might not the "need to be needed" be a symptom of low self-esteem? And marriage just a panacea creating an illusion of security? And how do you tell the difference between "psycho" I-can't-live-without-you and "passionate" I-can't-live-without-you?

As always, I love Victoria's comment. I'm anxious...

2007-12-23T12:20:00.000-05:00

As always, I love Victoria's comment. I'm anxious to see what Alya has to say :)

Sucks though, it feels like we have to play a lifelong stream of mindgames in order to keep your man on his toes so he will stay crazy about you.

Whatever...too funny. Because we all look ugly in the morning, LOL!

I must agree with Sagilarious, as she speaks from ...

2007-12-23T04:18:00.000-05:00

I must agree with Sagilarious, as she speaks from a woman's point of view.

Unavailability is a turn-ON for men. It is a turn-OFF for women. We want to be needed by the men we love (and not in the Mama-boy sense). Rather, the security of knowing this man cannot survive without me, that as his woman I am an integral part of his daily existence, the air he breathes, the one he holds every night, the one who completes him. (Jerry Maguire anyone?)

To settle for something less leaves a girl with a gaping void, an irritating uncertainty, a window of doubt. Which is why women feel marriage is so important as it formally unites you with your man. Unfortunately it is no guarantee of a lasting emotional union. You have to consistently work hard sexually to keep him emotionally in tune.

I think emotional enmeshment is a MAJOR turn-on. I...

2007-12-23T01:24:00.000-05:00

I think emotional enmeshment is a MAJOR turn-on. If it weren't for that prospect, I would just have sex with myself and not bother adding another person to the equation. I also think it's sexy if the guy I actually want says he cannot live without me, as long as I feel the exact same way about him.

This post I think highlights some very American ways. Part of the reason I am nuts about Turkish men is because they are a passionate, emotional, semi-irrational, enmeshable group of boys, all wrapped up into a god-like appearance. Good God!!!

Then again, my mother didn't give me everything I wanted. She ensured that I wouldn't drop dead from starvation, but emotionally she was the coldest fish on Earth. And thus, I think the reverse can also be true. We seek out what our mothers DIDN'T give us, in some cases.

Thanks, Allegra :)

2007-12-22T09:12:00.000-05:00

Thanks, Allegra :)

sometimes it's wise to leave in the middle of the ...

2007-12-22T05:30:00.000-05:00

sometimes it's wise to leave in the middle of the night since we don't look so good in the morning after all that action

great post by the way

I think unavailability is a turn on and it's the f...

2007-12-21T22:40:00.000-05:00

I think unavailability is a turn on and it's the fact that when we don't know any better, this person could fulfill all of our fantasies. As a fellow moon and venus in aquarius I find myself a little disappointed by what is revealed during sex for the first time....(the person doesn't look the way you think they would or feel the way you wanted, they're not confident or too confident..) then it follows into a relationship..the fantasy always beats the reality. I think it's good to have fantasy in the beginning of your relationship if you can get it, but sometimes, you need to realize when something is better left off as fantasy, in your mind, where no one, not even the other person, can take away your awesome vision.

A couple of things. One, your posts are getting be...

2007-12-21T22:20:00.000-05:00

A couple of things. One, your posts are getting better and better. Keep up the good work. Two, my sister and I just spent the last five minutes laughing at how cute that baby in the picture is. Too precious.

Now to your question. Why is unavailability a turn-on? I don't know, I am not attracted to people that never have any time for me. I'm not into mind games and I'm not going to play them so you will like me, either.

But also, whenever a guy is too needy, it makes me doubt his likeability as a person. I mean surely there must be something wrong with him that he doesn't have any other friends or interests besides me. What will we talk about if all you have is me?

I should clarify that I am not suggesting a formul...

2007-12-21T16:40:00.000-05:00

I should clarify that I am not suggesting a formula, e.g., "look to your Moon sign to see ..."

I'm talking about the archetype of the Moon, not necessarily the astrological Moon as it shows up in our natal charts.

I would suggest that one look at Cancer planets, planets in the 4th House, planets aspecting the Moon or IC ruler, as well as the Moon. You really have to look at the whole picture.

I've felt needy at times, but I would not attribute that to my Aquarius Moon!

Let me see if I understood this correctly, it's th...

2007-12-21T15:22:00.000-05:00

Let me see if I understood this correctly, it's the Virgo moon in me that turns men off? And boy oh boy did you hit this right on the nose as far as the cat and mouse game my scorpio had, except, it was tenfold!! That really bites, I remember being in secure relationships where none of that was an issue. We were just "there" for each other. Funny, because my scorpio started off coming on really strong, appeared almost desperate and the red flags went flying. Yet my need for security won me over and I went along with it. As soon as I reciprocated and it was no longer a challenge, it was evident he got bored. Funny though, because right in the beginning, he made it very clear he didn't want to play games and we'd walk into the flames of lust and passion blindly, unshielded...

Excellent post, Jeffery. I have often considered ...

2007-12-21T14:20:00.000-05:00

Excellent post, Jeffery. I have often considered the interplay of availability and neediness within dating and it is very interesting to consider these astrologically.

"Doing a coyote" is a technique I've tried myself, but I think it is sound not because it keeps the person dangling, but because it sets boundaries for yourself and limits the opportunity for expressing emotions inappropriate for the situation. A One-night-stand may develop into a deeper relationship, but only if you treat the initial event with isolated emotions; otherwise the morning-after-awkwardness is more likely to kill an emerging friendship than support it, especially if either party has reservations.

If they come back for more after a "coyote", you can at least count them as persistent which can only be viewed as a positive trait if you look at their whole person. Persistence counts if they are emotionally intelligent; if instead they are emotionally masochistic, this will reveal itself pretty quickly as you get to know them.

Very thought-provoking post. I'm still thinking ab...

2007-12-21T13:44:00.000-05:00

Very thought-provoking post. I'm still thinking about the lunar neediness...

On the other hand, if a guy goes after me bc he considers me a challenge, that also makes me wonder: is he truly interested in me as a person or is he more captivated by the challenge? And once he captivates me, will he get bored? That also seems like a problem, in a way.